Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I鈥檓 good.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
this is so top tier i cant
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you鈥檝e forgotten who I am
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
馃檯馃徎
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Buy a man a tee and he鈥檒l golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you鈥檒l have trouble housing your new pet
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET