Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I unironically love this joke.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see