Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Tough love is true love
OH. COME. ON.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
new year update: losing everything but weight
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.