My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker