If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”