Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
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