‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
You Might Also Like
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.