[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Worst Native American name ever.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?