alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Breaking news:
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa