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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new