*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Mornin
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”