Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*orders delivery*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
North and South
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand