[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
This is not me but this is me
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.