Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
u spoke cat all this time??????
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
At Walmart during the holidays like..
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨