Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
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I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?