Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*