(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
look at me when i’m typing to you
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.