If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
podcasts
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.