4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
the saddest jazz hands ever
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Note to self: I am a note
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?