[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Oh we’ve met.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
This a good idea
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.