me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
This forever.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*3.5 thank you very much.