ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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Ah..makes sense now
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
lmao
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.