Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.