*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)