I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.