I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
smartest karate player in the world
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?