i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.