[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.