i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀