“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
You Might Also Like
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
A man of commitment.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS