Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.