I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?