Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
#CoronaOutbreak
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes