Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.