Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
huge valentines day plans this year!!