[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
You Might Also Like
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*