[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”