My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
It do be feeling this way.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say