Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
#dalle2
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”