Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Miscakes
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
😂😂😂
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.