#Caturday
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.