With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
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me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single