ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
sleeping beauty
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.