*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.