Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Name another movie that mislead you?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
No Google it does not
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Sing it!