Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
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Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay