People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
You Might Also Like
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
This forever.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Something Saturday.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.