My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
found this cool rock hiking today
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?