Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
There are no pants in heaven.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?