I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Lmfaoooooo
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
What fresh Hell is this?!?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*